


remember rights that i did wrong

by RobinTheSpotlight



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Angsty Castiel, Castiel (Supernatural) is Not Okay, Castiel Has Issues, Emotionally Hurt Castiel (Supernatural), Gen, Human Castiel, a little angsty, and accepting help from his family, but he knows it and is trying to fix it, surprisingly sweet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-29
Updated: 2018-12-29
Packaged: 2019-09-30 01:42:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17214644
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RobinTheSpotlight/pseuds/RobinTheSpotlight
Summary: Every time he breathes he can feel it missing.Castiel reflects on his humanity, family and true duty over a holiday party, and wonders just how okay he will be.





	remember rights that i did wrong

He had never taken a break. Nothing more than a minute to realign and think; ‘What’s next?’. He was an angel, and angels do not stop. They are endless and absolute- they do not begin and therefore should not end. Whether this philosophy was originally about their lives (which had been proven false countless times in many painful and heart-breaking ways) or about their actions themselves, as an angel he had never stopped. There was always a bigger picture; as one angel was part of a whole host, a group of wavelengths, each action was part of time itself.

Now that is not who he is.

Human life is dull. It is uninteresting and uninspiring and cold and painful. It is empty and quiet and bland. There are no songs in his head, no voices from the nature around him and no warmth from the souls he knows are surrounding him. He knows they are there, should be there, can’t be anywhere else, but he can’t feel them and sometimes he wonders if they are even there at all. The world reads differently, fundamentally the same but without any of the flair he was used to witnessing. But it is also beautiful. It is real, and it is true, and it has worth and impact. Human life is brutal and swift, but it ends and every action throughout it has meaning. He knows this and doesn’t understand properly why he still struggles.

He may be unable to read emotions, but he can cause a smile and be all the better for it. He may be incapable of some of the simplest tasks and be so easily underwhelmed by what he is experiencing, but the fact that he can feel underwhelmed and he can feel useless and he can feel joy and sadness and pain and fear is what makes it worth it.

There was once, many years ago during the war with Raphael, that he had paused. He had watched the skies for some time, simply connecting with the world surrounding him. A fellow angel had asked why, and he had been unable to answer.

He understands now, and he is glad he does. Although deep in the bunker his family ‘parties on’, he breathes the cool air standing near a tree. He feels close yet far from what he was and what he is. He is taking a ‘break’, just allowing himself to… exist.

The sky is cold. He feels the sensation on his skin. It makes him want to cry and makes him want to rejoice. He is still not used to this, this new permanent, this new natural, this new existence. Last time he was human he was not resting. He never rested. There was no time for time; there was cold and hunger and fear, but it was all dulled behind a haze of regret and loneliness and everything felt far, far away. Far away and changeable, like a bad dream that could quickly be over and leave him with grace and warmth.

Now he knows that what he is will be what he is for as long as his weak and pitiful human body can thrive. There is no changing the cold; the fire of his grace is gone, and every time he breathes he can feel it missing and it is not there and it scares him and then the fear scares him even more and every emotion comes in waves stronger than he could ever have imagined. When there is noise around him, he remembers angel radio and the choir and the voices and the thought that he will never experience it again makes him physically feel ill. When there is quiet, he feels the void that used to hold wings and grace and music.

He knows he has been away from the party for too long, but he can’t bring himself to go back indoors. If he closes his eyes, ignores the sounds echoing from deep within the bunker, he can pretend he is flying. He can pretend he is still in the air or in space or some distant mountain or that he can still heal and smite, and he isn’t trapped in this confining body for all eternity.

He knows that one day he will get used to this. On the surface he knows his thoughts are irrational, he knows his brothers will help him. They are helping him. Sam and Dean listen to whatever he says and assist with whatever he asks. He knows how deep they care, how deep their son cares, how deep the Winchesters mother cares. Sometimes that is enough to grant him reprieve from the gaping wound inside him. Sometimes it is not, and he sits outside and he breathes and he knows that when he goes back inside he will get offered another drink and a smile and a hug.

It makes it worth it. Even though there are some moments when all he wants to do is keep moving, find his old way and stop the thoughts that plague him in their tracks, he knows that in the end he will be okay. It may take a while, and it will be hard and painful and filled with fear and self-loathing, but when he gets out the other side he will still have all he holds dear to him. His family are there.

So he does not move. He sits outside and he looks at the stars in the sky. He feels the breeze on his face. He waits until he is ready to go back inside, to join his family in their celebrations. He thinks of all he used to do and all he never got around to doing. He feels fear clench at his heart, painful and all-encompassing, and he pushes it down. He sits and breathes.

The things in his life have time to wait. So he will slow down. He will go inside and share another drink. He will sleep and in the morning he will wake up. It might be a good day and it might be a bad day, but he will be ready for it with his family at his side.

For now? He sits and waits.

**Author's Note:**

> And a second part to go with my first fanfic. This wasn't meant to be a series originally, but now I have an idea for a Sam one, so I might as well make a trilogy. This got a little bit angstier than i was expecting, but I am pleased with the result. I'd really appreciate comments if you did (or didn't) enjoy. Thanks for reading and have a good day.


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